"Clinton did not have sex with aide" shock
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The embattled presidency of Bill Clinton was reeling in the wake of another scandal last night, as Washington sources revealed that the President had not had sex with at least one female member of the White House staff. The woman, whose name has not been disclosed, was described as "nubile and attractive" and has reportedly been at the White House for more than three months. During that time, she has not received so much as a lecherous glance from the over-sexed President, let alone an invitation to get naked and sweaty with him in midnight romps in the Rose Garden. "This really hurts", the unnamed woman is reported as saying "I have a happy and stable relationship with my boyfriend, but like any other red-blooded patriotic American woman I'd be ready to spread my legs for the Chief Executive at a moment's notice. To be ignored like this is just really, really unfair and deeply wounding." She went on to add that Clinton had treated her to a chaste peck on the cheek and a quick squeeze at a formal White House reception, but from a President who has been known to greet even high-ranking female foreign dignitaries by copping a feel and proposing an immediate adjournment to the White House jacuzzi, such a gesture looks distinctly half-hearted.

Clinton staffers were quick to downplay any suggestion that the President's legendary sexual drive was flagging. "Over six hundred women work full-time at the White House. From time to time, one gets overlooked." said Clinton policy adviser Rahm Emmanuel. "I don't have to remind you that he also has a country to run. Satisfying every woman at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and leading the free world at the same time is a tremendous task, even for a man of Clinton's enormous energies." Clinton himself reacted angrily to press claims that he might be going through a spell of temporary celibacy. "That is untrue, and there is no substance at all to that." he told assembled pressmen at a special briefing yesterday. The President, looking tired after a marathon thirty-six-hour orgy with campaign volunteers from Arkansas, explained that aides could have confused the woman with another White House worker with the same name, leading him to believe that he had already had a sexual relationship with her. "We will look into the matter, and if we find any evidence to suggest that she has been unjustly neglected, I will lose no time in inviting her up for a fast one on the carpet in the Oval Office."

To Presidential critics, however, the President's response looks like a case of 'too little, too late' and there are fears that the number of women with whom the President has not had sex could run into the hundreds. "How could this woman have worked less than two hundred feet from him for more than three months without once being molested?" asked Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. "Something's not right there." There is also concern that doubts about the President's virility could harm American prestige overseas as the US stands on the brink of a new confrontation with Iraq. Iraqi authorities were quick to capitalize on the latest developments and deride the 'cares of office' defence offered by the White House. "On the night when the American aerial bombardment of Bagdhad was heaviest," declared Iraqi prime minister Tariq Aziz, "our glorious leader President Saddam Hussein repeatedly honoured each of his six wives and an undisclosed number of his daughters-in-law in an awesome display of sexual prowess that was, nonetheless, entirely in accordance with the tenets of Islam." In later broadcasts the Iraqi prime minister referred to Clinton as an 'impotent Satan' and implied that Saddam's achievements were proof of the moral ascendancy of Islam over an enfeebled and decadent West.

Friends of the President have not given up. "He is, let me tell you, a total fuckmonster." said veteran Clinton adviser James Carville. "We're going to fight back against these unfounded allegations with everything we have: tapes, videos, eight by ten glossies. We're confident that we can prove to the world that Bill Clinton is still the rampaging sexual powerhouse he has always been." He dismissed suggestions that the President should be required to demonstrate his manhood in a televised contest reminiscent of the pre-election debates with Republican rival Bob Dole. "Clinton's stamina is terrifying." he explained. "Once begun, such a contest could disrupt regular programming for weeks if not months."

Others are less convinced. One political commentator compared Clinton's record with the glory days of the JFK presidency. "Capitol Hill was permanently grid-locked," he said, "with buses loaded with young women from all over the United States pulling up at the back door of the White House every hour of the day and night. He once interrupted an NSA briefing six times for a series of encounters with members of the Press Corps that could be heard all over the building. I knew JFK, and I can assure you, Bill Clinton is no Jack Kennedy."

© Angus McIntyre 2002

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